Two Mice in a Bathroom
Two mice were sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub. The first mouse looks over to his friend and, referring to the toilet, asks, "Wanna go for a swim?" The second mouse quickly replies. "Oh, no! I'm never going in there again!!!" "Well, why not?" says the first mouse. "Well," starts his friend, "I was in there about a week ago swimming around and minding my own business and all of a sudden it got real dark, it started raining, it started thundering, and if somebody wouldn't have thrown me a log, I would have drowned!"
Three Tough Mouse
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies. "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
Three Flies
OK, so there were these three flies, and they decided to spend the night in a woman's body. The first one went in between the boobs, the second went up the ass and the third went in the pussy. They all woke up the next morning and were talking about their nights. The first one said, "I had a great night, sleeping between two pillows." The second one said, "Same with me except for the fact that I could swear that, well...it smelt almost like home in there." The third one looked REALLY tired and said; "I had a horrible night. Every quarter of a second this little bald guy came in and spat on me!!!"
Santa Answered the Difficult Question
Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever: "What comes first - the chicken or the egg?" "O yaar, jiska order pehle doge, vo ayega...".
Whale of a Job
There were two whales out at sea, when the male whale seen the boat that killed his father. He asked the female whale if she would help him turn the boat over, she agreed. They got under the ship and blew water out their blow holes as hard as they could and the boat capsized and all the sailors started swimming to the shore. The male whale then turned to the female whale and asked her to gobble up as many of the sailors as she could. The female whale said "Hey, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not going to swallow seamen.
Guru Dutt revived
(Note: knowledge of Hindi required - the song is in Hindi.)Imagine Guru Dutt after working for few months in the Software Industry would make a movie `Software Ke Phool' and include the following song:Yeh document, yeh meetings, yeh features ki duniya,yeh insaan ke dushman, cursors ki duniya yeh deadlines ke bhooke, management ki duniya; yeh Product agar ban bhi jaaye to kya hai?Yahaan ek khilona hai programmer ki hasti ye basti hai murda bug-fixers ki basti yahaan par to raises hai, inflation se sasti yeh Review agar ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?Har ek keyboard ghayal, har ek login pyaasi excel mein uljhan, winword mein udaasi yeh office hai ya aalame microsoft ki yeh Release agar ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?Jalaa do ise, phoonk daalo yeh monitor mere saamne se hataa daalo yeh modem tumhaara hai tumhi sambhaalo yeh computer yeh Product agar chal bhi jaaye to kya hai?
(Student to teacher) Can I go to the bathroom?
A: I don't know. Can you? A: Are you wearing a diaper?
Gujju joke
Kanjibhai and Ramjibhai were getting ready for the company awards dinner for the best salesman. Kanjibhai was in the running to win an award that evening and wanted to make sure he looked his best when he claimed his prize. He felt his luck was with him and was sure to win. He stood in front of the mirror to fix his tie but the mirror was crooked, so he reached over to straighten it out and it came crashing down on the floor. "Oh no," said Kanjibhai. "Now I am going to have seven years bad luck." "Nonsense," said Ramjibhai. My uncle once broke a mirror and he didn't have seven years bad luck." "Really?" said Kanjibhai, feeling much better knowing that. "Yeah really," said Ramjibhai. "He died that day."
Blonde Boyfriends
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Santa, Tooth Fairy, Drunk, Lawyer
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course; the other three don't exist.
Just Negotiating
A dirty & ugly old man walks up to this voluptuously beautiful woman and says:
"Would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars?"
"For 1 MILLION dollars, of course I would."
"Would you sleep with me for 5 dollars?"
"For 5 DOLLARS, What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We already established what kind of girl you are, I'm just negotiating."
10 reasons computers must be Males
Top 10 reasons computers must be male: 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The lights are on but nobody's home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 1. Size does matter.
Horny Salesman
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street. By mistake, he went to 365 WEST East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon. He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."
Young Rooster
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy." So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Zebra on a Farm
A zebra was visiting a farm. "Hi," she said to the rooster. "What do you do here?" "I make sure everyone gets up on time for a nice early start on the day," he replied. "How about you?" she asked a cow. "I supply the farmer and his family with fresh milk, so they can make butter and cheese," the cow said. "And what's your job on the farm?" the zebra asked a stallion. "Get out of those fancy striped pajamas," he answered, "and I'll show you."
Snap back one liners
"Did you take a bath?" "Why, Is there one missing?" "Are you chewing gum?" "No, I'm John Smith." "I want to buy a dress to put on around the house." "Yes, Madam. How large is your house?" "What are you going to be when you graduate?" "An old man" "I spent three years in college taking medicine." "Are you well now?" "Do you say a prayer before you eat?" "No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook." "I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner." "Who wants to eat friends?" "We are having mother for dinner, darling." "Make sure she's well done." "I want some rat poison." "Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?" "It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other." "Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears." "May I hold your hand?" "No, thanks, It isn't heavy." "Does water always come through the roof in this place?" "No, sir, only when it rains." "When will you straighten out the house, dear?" "Why? Is it tilted?" "Do these stairs take you to the second floor?" "No, you'll have to walk" "Now that you're married, you should have some insurance" "But why? My wife isn't dangerous." "I have changed! my mind." "Thank heaven! Does it work better now?" "Would you like your coffee black?" "What other colors do you have?"
